The Teen Years

A door slams. Voices rise. Someone yells, “You just don’t get it!” and suddenly the house feels tense and quiet all at once. These moments are often dismissed as “just part of being a teenager,” but what if they’re signs of something deeper?

In episode three of Let’s Talk About It With OhioGuidestone, host Derek Rader sits down with Nicole Klimas-Morrison, MSW, LISW-S, CDCA, Regional Director of Operations at OhioGuidestone, to explore the realities of mental health during the teen years. Together, they discuss the emotional ups and downs adolescents face, the pressures teens navigate today, and how parents, caregivers, and trusted adults can better recognize when a teen may be struggling.

Their conversation takes a closer look at what may be happening beneath the surface of mood swings, conflict, withdrawal, and emotional outbursts, while offering insight into how connection, communication, and support can make a lasting impact. So listen along, and let’s talk about it!

There are things we all think, but don't always say out loud.
Is this normal?
Why am I feeling so overwhelmed?
Shouldn't I be able to handle this?
If you've ever wondered, "Am I the only one feeling this way?" You're not, let's talk about it.

Questions about our podcast? Email podcast@ohioguidestone.org to get in touch with us. To learn more about OhioGuidestone, visit ohioguidestone.org. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Doors slam, voices rise. Dealing with teenagers can be tough. Today we're talking about mental health in the teen years. All right, I'm here in I've always thought with Nicole it's Clemus. Clymas. Clymus. Uh-huh. Nicole Klymas.

SPEAKER_01 0:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 0:22

That's what I always thought, too.

SPEAKER_01 0:23

You did?

SPEAKER_00 0:24

Yes, I did. Well, I wasn't sure, but now I'm I'm sure. Now you're it's hyphened.

SPEAKER_01 0:28

Hyphened.

SPEAKER_00 0:28

Okay, Nicole Clymus Morrison. So for those that don't know, recently saw you at I wonder if this can be part of that. Shopping, and I was with my two teenagers.

SPEAKER_01 0:38

I think this is a great idea.

SPEAKER_00 0:40

And you were like three days over, and I was like, Nicole. In the whole ride home, all my kids talked about was how embarrassing I was. And my son, who's 16, told me it was probably unprofessional.

SPEAKER_01 0:52

To say hi to me in Target.

SPEAKER_00 0:54

As an adult man, I should have said, I've got this. But what I did is I did think about it all night and then teams you at like 8 59 a.m. to be like, hey, good seeing you. Hope I wasn't weird, LOL. Right. Because they get in your head and say the things you're sensitive about.

SPEAKER_01 1:09

Yes. I think in the teen years, they realize for the first time that parents are humans. They're not just this parent. Right. So they start seeing you as a real person, making real decisions, have real actions. And then you get these situations where they're like, oh my gosh, that's so embarrassing. Why are you doing that? I would never do that.

SPEAKER_00 1:28

Right. And sometimes they escalate so quickly. I'll find my partner and I saying, is this just normal teenage behavior? And and when they are acting that are are we missing something?

SPEAKER_01 1:41

It depends. And that's always like a mental health answer where you say, well, it depends on each person. But there are some typical changes in teenage years, right? It's one of the largest developmental stages for children. So they're going through a lot of hormonal shifts and they're going through life shifts. So they should have some behavior changes. They should want independence. They should want to explore their identity. So if you have times where you go, oh wow, why are they pushing back at this? That could be very healthy and normal. It also could not be.

SPEAKER_00 2:16

Right, right. What's something teens wish that adults understood, but never actually say out loud?

SPEAKER_01 2:24

Oh, that's a great question. Um I think they like to be validated from their experience. They are often told that the parent knows better, the teacher knows better, the person in charge has all this experience and wisdom and they should listen to it. And I think that the teen just wants to be heard, that they have something valuable to add.

SPEAKER_00 2:50

Right. And that's something as a father that I've really worked on is taking a break, pausing and listening. I guess, you know, being so far away from my teenage years, I forget, but everything feels so intense as a teenager. Why is that?

SPEAKER_01 3:07

That is the hormonal change. That is the body changing. But right. I mean, every situation feels like the biggest deal. One of my favorite stories to tell is one of my best friends in high school was dating someone and they broke up. He was an exchange student. So he had to fly back to Germany. And she was sobbing. Her mom looked at her at some point and said, Listen, I know this probably feels awful, but one day it will get better. And she said, I looked at my mom and I screamed, It will never be better. I'll always feel like this. And you believe that, right? They're not saying that because they're trying to get a reaction. They really feel that intensely about a situation. And how as parents can we support that, validate that, and also provide guidance without judgment?

SPEAKER_00 4:00

I feel like teens have a strong sense of justice.

SPEAKER_01 4:03

Oh, I love that. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 4:05

Right. So what's actually happening in a teen's mind when they shut down or they say, for example, you wouldn't understand? Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 4:14

They don't believe that you have ever been through an experience that they've been through, right? They still see you as very distant. And in some ways, they're not wrong, right? I didn't grow up as a teen in 2026. I don't know what it's like to have access to social media. I don't know what the dynamic is of being a teenager today. So while there's similarities, I can relate to a teen, but I also can't. And I think that needs to be validated by the parent or by the teacher or by whoever you are of, you're right. I probably don't understand. I might have a situation that I feel like I can help you with if you want to hear it, but you're right. I haven't been in this exact situation before.

SPEAKER_00 5:00

And that's definitely something as a father that I'm I'm working on. It's I it's it's a work in progress.

SPEAKER_01 5:06

Well, because you do have wisdom, right? You have things you want them to know. You're like, I have things to offer and share. And they're like, no, no, I'm gonna learn this my way.

SPEAKER_00 5:15

And that's probably the hardest part, right? You want to help them and make life easy for them or teach them things, and yet they need that independence. They need that autonomy to grow.

SPEAKER_01 5:25

Right. Because the goal in life, right, is to raise your kids to leave you, to be successful independent adults. And so during those teenaged years, that's where they're practicing. They're exploring themselves, they're trying to gain some independence, trying to figure out what they believe who they are. And if we keep forcing ourselves and our views and our opinions on them, they never get to gain that independence. Simultaneously, it's very hard to watch that.

SPEAKER_00 5:54

It really, really is. And that goes into my next question. How can you tell the difference between a teen pulling away in a healthy way and a teen who's actually struggling?

SPEAKER_01 6:05

Really good question. I think that there are some symptoms that I can talk about that are kind of cut and dry across the board. But then there are some pieces that are going to be different for each specific child. So there are certain pieces that you could say, okay, my child is locking themselves in their room and isolating from parents, from friends, from school, from everyone, right? They're not, there's nobody that they're connecting with. So that isolation, you can say, you could see if there's high anxiety. And once again, high anxiety in situations that you wouldn't expect to be anxiety provoking. Not okay, before a test, but I'm scared to even go to school. So there's these very high levels of any emotion where you can say, wow, this doesn't seem typical for any human. But then there's the that range. And what is that range of what's normal and what's a little abnormal? And that's where you have to know the child and see the difference with them, right? Wow, this is a drastic change for this child. This was a very social, outgoing, very involved. Now they quit 4-H and they don't want to participate in any sports, and they've decided to kind of isolate and just spend time with one friend. That's a big difference. Now, if you had a child who is has a small group of friends and was kind of introverted and they only are spending time with two, that might not be concerning. So it is a little bit based on the change from your specific child.

SPEAKER_00 7:37

Well, it sounds like it's really a balancing act. You want to give them that freedom and that autonomy. Um, but you also, you know, you're still a parent.

SPEAKER_01 7:44

It's funny because I think teenage years have so much similarity to toddler years, right? You want your two-year-old or three-year-old, well, you don't, they want to have independence. I I kind of do, but I also want to just get your shoes on and buckle you in your seatbelt and go. But I can't because my four-year-old's gonna scream at me because he can do it by himself. And it might take five minutes before we can leave the house because we have to get that to happen. So, you know, toddlers are also simultaneously trying to explore the world and gain independence, just like teens are. And it's that balance at that age too of okay, I have to parent you, but I also need to let you learn and grow.

SPEAKER_00 8:25

Right. And you talked earlier about teens in isolation, maybe spending a lot of time in the room, which my kids do.

SPEAKER_01 8:32

Oh, I believe it.

SPEAKER_00 8:34

But what as a parent, and in you do worry about things like depression, what does depression look like in teens that most parents completely miss?

SPEAKER_01 8:43

Irritability. So it's natural to have irritability symptoms as part of depression. And once again, it's also very natural to have some irritability. This is once again of where it's raising to the level of impacting their life, where it's impacting their school, their friends, their parents, you know, multiple different areas. So you could see that they're they're short, they don't, they're kind of tense when they're talking, they're just quick to get mad. And once again, if that's with mom or dad over a specific situation, that might be very narrow to that situation. If you're starting to notice, like, wow, they're short with their friends that you're hearing from school, that they're kind of having an attitude, then you're starting to think, wow, maybe there is more. This is happening in a lot of different settings.

SPEAKER_00 9:31

What scares you the most about what teens are dealing with today?

SPEAKER_01 9:35

Social media. I can't imagine not at all being a teen and having access to the internet and social media like teens do. Like I didn't experience social media until I was an adult. So I didn't have the experience of exploring myself, exploring my identity, having large, big, dramatic emotions as a teen. And then everyone gets to see it. And it, the digital footprint never goes away. And that scares me for teens.

SPEAKER_00 10:06

Why are teens more comfortable opening up online than to people in their house?

SPEAKER_01 10:12

So in today's world, I think it has a lot to do with COVID. Um, they have grown up with a lot of technology, and some of that was forced during the COVID years, right? They had to they did online school and they weren't allowed to see people. And and then they just have access, right? They have access to phones where they can video chat, and that's just been normal and natural for them. And they have had less time and less practice interacting in person. And once again, another balance. Phones are never going away. Social media is never going away. So we can't say, don't do that, but we can say, how do we encourage teens to have in-person relationships in a healthy way that balances both of those things?

SPEAKER_00 10:56

It would really help to have someone like you in the house 24 hours a day, seven days a week for all parents.

SPEAKER_01 11:02

But if I would like one, an extra me. That would be so helpful.

SPEAKER_00 11:07

So again, and I'm finding too, as as my wife and I go through this journey of parenting teenagers, you know, you you make mistakes and you learn from them. What is one mistake that adults make that shuts down teens immediately?

SPEAKER_01 11:20

It's the, I think it's this power dynamic, this desire for control. Um, as teens are trying to gain their independence and explore their identity, they are obviously pulling away from their parents and could be pulling away from their parents' beliefs, values. And these things might not last forever, right? This might just be their exploration and they'll land where they land. And we see parents where they really start to push back and say, you can't do that. You can't see this person. You have to do this thing with our family because that's what we value. And it causes this really kind of power struggle between the child then saying, No, I'm not gonna do that. I don't believe that, I don't like that. And the parent saying, I'm the boss, you have to listen to me, right? And so, as a parent, how do you once again allow them to have some autonomy and decision making in their life and explore while also still having some control? And for what you hear, I think you probably hear this in many different words, but it's pick your battles, don't sweat the small stuff, all those different phrases all tie back to it of what matters to you as a family and as a parent, those are the things you challenge and you push. But the little things, here's a good example. I'm thinking of one of my therapists. She was working with a family that had a teen girl. Okay. And the teen girl was very um verbally aggressive with mom, calling her names, yelling, screaming, slamming doors. Um, and mom was really looking for her to be respectful, fair. So they got to a point where the child, instead of yelling, screaming, slamming doors, she'd roll her eyes and walk away. We saw that as an amazing success. We were like, wow, look at all this progress she made. Mom was like, no, that's very disrespectful. How dare she roll her eyes at me? It's it's definitely not respectful, but it's way better than screaming and calling names. And so that's where we had to have a conversation of is that the battle that you think is worth picking? Right. Do you think her rolling your eyes at you is so disrespectful that it's gonna be worth whatever battle comes out of it? And that's hard. That's a hard conversation.

SPEAKER_00 13:44

It's really hard. I mean, especially for me as a dad. I pick many battles and I usually do the Charlie Brown slow walk away when I realize this is not the battle to pick. Yeah. You know, which is is is hard because, you know, me especially, when I look back on my kids and I look at the pictures of us at baseball games and Cedar Point, and you know, now they're older and they're a little more independent, a lot more independent sometimes. You feel like you've lost that connection. Yes. And that's hard.

SPEAKER_01 14:11

I love that you bring up connection because while this is important for teens, it's honestly just so important for any parent for all ages. And it's like my favorite part to talk about. So it's like you knew I was gonna say that.

SPEAKER_00 14:23

Maybe.

SPEAKER_01 14:24

So connection is that is one of the key pieces of parenting, right? You need to be able to connect to the child. And we don't even talk about this just with parents. You know, our consultants who go into schools, who go into preschools, talk about this with teachers too. How do you work with a child? The first thing you have to do is connect with them. If you walk in and you're a total stranger and you say, do this, stop that, they're gonna be like, who are you?

SPEAKER_00 14:49

Right.

SPEAKER_01 14:50

But if they know you, they trust you, and they respect you. Well, that's the same with a teen. How do you continue to connect? And I think so. One of the areas that I'm trained in is dialectical behavior therapy, DBT. And one of the agreements in DBT is the dialectical agreement. And it's my favorite, and I use it in my work and in my life all the time. But the idea of the dialectics are there are two things can be true at the same time. They are true. And our goal isn't to find one that's right. They're both right. And how do we find a synthesis of those two things? And that's what I feel is very important for teen parents in general of your child can be right and you can be right. And how can you find the synthesis of whatever they're feeling while not trying to invalidate their feelings and opinions? So, you know what I mean? That's validating doesn't mean accepting, right? I can validate your situation, even if I don't really agree or accept it. And that's hard too.

SPEAKER_00 15:56

So if a parent feels like they've lost that connection, is it too late to repair?

SPEAKER_01 16:01

It's not. It's it's hard to repair in the teen years because they're they don't want to repair, right? And being very generalistic, that's not true for vulture games. Um, but they are seeking their autonomy and independence. They are wanting to be more with their friends and peers. So when you have a disconnect and the parents trying so hard to pull them in, at some point you might also be pushing them away further, where they're like, give me space. I want to be with my friends. Stop forcing me to be with you. So it's really about using a clinical term, having a port of entry, having these offerings where you're available, you're there, and they can come to you and they know that you're you're open and there for them.

SPEAKER_00 16:49

I have a few more questions for you before we close, Nicole. Okay. What's one small thing a parent can do tonight that can make a difference in their teenagers' lives?

SPEAKER_01 17:00

Oh, you're so good at these questions. I would say talk to your child. Talk to your child in an open-ended sort of question way, not in a what did you do today? How was this? Like very aggressive of just, I want to know about your life. What are you watching on TikTok? Are you doing a dance video? Can I see it? Really trying to engage with what they are interested in and what they care about. Because if you show that you're interested, they're more willing to come to you as a result. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:31

I love all of that. And for the record, when I go home tonight, I will be super dad. Because I'm doing all of those things.

SPEAKER_01 17:38

I want you to do a TikTok dance with your daughter.

SPEAKER_00 17:41

That's a possibility. Okay. She did make me an amazing Superman bracelet. Oh. Which is a little too tight. Otherwise, I'd have it on today. But um, it's a super dad, is actually what it says.

SPEAKER_01 17:52

Look at that connection, right?

SPEAKER_00 17:53

Well, she's 12. They say the worst is yet to come, but I'll I'll I'll hang in there for now. So take it. Um if a teen right now is listening, or uh maybe their parents are listening and the teen feels completely misunderstood, what would you say to them?

SPEAKER_01 18:07

I would tell them that there's somebody out there for them. If they don't feel like their parent is someone who understands them or they've tried to have a conversation and they don't feel heard, there are safe adults, right? They're counselors, they're teachers, there's grandparents, there's lots of adults in their life that they can look for. So find a safe adult that you can share with, and then the other pieces can build and grow over time.

SPEAKER_00 18:35

I'm Derek Rader, and this is the Let's Talk About It podcast with Ohio Guidestone. We've been talking to Nicole Clemis Morrison, regional director. Have a great day because you deserve it.